As many of you know, my triplets are getting ready to leave the nest in just a few weeks to attend the University of Missouri-Columbia, my husband's and my alma mater. So yesterday I had a little wig-out that surprised me. Actually, it wasn't a little wig-out. It was a full-scale, over-the-top, temporary lapse of sanity (those of you who know me well can argue the temporariness). My son was giving me some of the standard teenage attitude and I just exploded on him. Now I keep hearing this song:
When analyzing my actions later, I realized it was a sort of how-dare-you-give-me-attitude-when-I-love-you-so-much-and-I'm-going-to-miss-you-so-much melt down. (See song above.) It was like, "You're already hurting my heart by being such a sweet blessing in my life, how could you double the pain by being such a complete pain in my rear?"
We were in the act of taking apart their bookcase headboards. The pieces of their beds sit in the garage at this moment, waiting for Recycling for Families to come and pick them up, to become a part of a new family's story. When we took them apart I found a lot of interesting things. That one small screwdriver that was the best because it fit perfectly so many times? You know, the one that's been missing for years? Yep, under the bed. Apparently it is what made the holes in the wall. I found a small Quidditch statue of a snitch (Harry Potter reference) and a comb stuck to the footboard with what I thought was gum. When trying to remove it I realized the tri-colored blob could only be one thing--candy corn! Of course I also discovered lots of candy wrappers, feathers from the feather pillow that used to be mine as a child (Mitch bogarted it several years ago), tacks, and coins of various denomination. The initials of someone's seventh grade sweetheart were carved into the wood. In another area they scratched their own name, and also wrote it in ink. (They clearly wanted everyone to know this was THEIR bed!) Inside the handle of a drawer someone had written "hello!" no doubt imagining it being found by someone at a later date and giggling at the thought.
As I polished the beds and got them ready for their new home I began to think of what they have been a part of. Whispered conversations on Christmas Eve. Moments when the kids laughed until they cried. Homework. That one fight where one of the boys got the other one down and SPIT into his face, saying, "And this is so you won't forget." (What had he been watching? Scarface?) They had witnessed tears after break-ups, been covered in drool, bounced on, and spilled on. The cat had found a friendly sunspot there. They had been little boys when we got those beds. I'd watched them come eye-level with me, and then craned my neck to look up at them.
I had to leave my bed project and take Mitch to work, but my thoughts continued to wander. They'd probably slept in those beds in footie pajamas. Worked out next to them. Ignored my calls to come down to dinner while sitting on them. Hid there when they knew chores were being handed out. Played their favorite music as they sat on them, drumming their fingers on their pant leg... And that's when I tuned into the music playing on the radio, and it was playing this song:
Although I was alone in my car, I said aloud, "Really?"
What a beautiful song! And how on point!
God gives us these little gifts, and at first all they are is a mouth demanding to be fed or changed. And still, everything about them is miraculous. Their little eyelashes, the way they breath, hiccup, reach, tiny fists flailing. And when they give that first smile, your heart is so full it hurts and you understand, really understand what it is to be selfless, because you'd do anything to make that other being happy. You love them for 18 years, through Band-aids and Kool-Aid, broken toys and broken hearts, high fevers and high school. Through Hot Wheels and "hot dates," dance classes and class dances, ABCs and A.C.T.s.
You go from that moment when you leave the hospital with them and think, "They're just letting me take this baby?" to the day you drop them off at college and think, "They're just letting me leave my baby?
But, through all these changes, there is one thing that never changes--your love for them. So kids, keep me in the pocket of your ripped jeans as you head off to Mizzou. You will always be right here with me!
*Sigh.* It's going to be a long August.
Awww, I hope writing this blog post helped ease your sadness a little bit. Great post! I'm sure you'll miss them but you must be so proud!
ReplyDeleteYes. Change can be a scary thing, especially one this big, but I know we'll get through it. Thanks for your support, Alicia!
DeleteYou're reminding me not only of that car drive to drop off my son 12 hours away but also, when we packed up his bedroom and moved him to Los Angeles, 35 hour drive away! *sniff* And when I think you have that times 3! Bless you my friend! So many great things in store for you, you just may no realize it yet. :) You've articulated it all so well in this post!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Darcy! I know someday I'll look back on this and laugh. Life is full of adjustments. Here's hoping that you'll find some time with your son in the near future. :) Thanks for listening!
DeleteMy oldest is heading off to Berkeley this month, so I can relate. I know it'll seem strange around the house without her, but she's so excited about this new phase in her life. I keep remembering how I felt and know it'll all be good in the end. Wishing you a happy transition!
ReplyDeleteSame to you, Jannine! Let's hope things go smoothly for everybody! I appreciate you stopping by today!
DeleteOh, M.J., been there and done that...although only one at a time! You start to get used to it, then they come home for Thanksgiving break--a lot the same but changed too. I'm crying a bit remembering. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'll just have to hug my husband that much tighter. And we're season ticket holders, so we'll actually be seeing them a lot during football season. I'm luckier than a lot of people. Thanks for coming by and offering your kind words!
DeleteMy daughters are three years apart, but my older one was always on the go. Her younger sister was more of a homebody, and when she left for college (only twenty minutes away, but still...) the silence was deafening. I can only imagine the difference in your lives! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteYes. The noise level is going to change considerably! I think a lot of people go into shock when they first visit our house because there is so much noise and activity. I can see it on their faces! The change that they brought into our lives when they came into this world was a good one, I'll trust that this next stage will be a good one, too. Thanks, Patricia, for sharing your understanding and sympathy. Have a fabulous week!
DeleteMy daughters are three years apart, but my older one was always on the go. Her younger sister was more of a homebody, and when she left for college (only twenty minutes away, but still...) the silence was deafening. I can only imagine the difference in your lives! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMy son left three years ago for his job. That was only 80 miles away.... And it was hard. We both cried....but he's doing fine. My youngest daughter leaves in less than two weeks. 400 miles this time. Not looking forward to it. But they need to move on.
ReplyDeleteYeah. My kids refused to let me live in their dorm closet for some reason. I'm wishing you lots of luck with your transition, too. Perhaps before long we will all settle into our new routines. I appreciate you reading and sharing your thoughts, Cindy!
DeleteThis is a great post, M.J. You reminded me of the back-to-back summers before each kid left for college. You will survive. Tears, hugs, melt-downs. Oh, yeah. I think they give us so much lip that last summer so you won't miss them so much. Hah!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've gotten some of that. But there have also been times they've been incredibly sweet, the little buggers! I certainly won't miss the laundry or dirty dishes. I can call and talk to them. It's the hugs I'll miss and just being around each other. Like I said, I'm luckier than most. It's a 4 1/2-5 hour drive, so doable. They are all healthy and making progress in their lives. So many blessings to concentrate on! Thanks for participating in our discussion and have a great week, Diane!
DeleteWe didn't get to get to empty nest the traditional way. My son and daughter were 13 and 9 when the twins were born. We didn't really transition, we evolved! They are ALL on their own now. It's hard letting them go, but they come back your best friends. Hugs and bittersweet thoughts, MJ. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteMargo, you're a doll! Thanks for your words of encouragement! I appreciate you taking the time out of your busy day to stop by and read. I'm glad I have such a good support system! :)
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